So used to everything

I'm starting to slowly reach that point in my life where I'm so used to everything. People talking about me behind my back. People hating for no reason. People hurting and not caring what they did. Promises will be broken even though they were promised. There are people I used to talk to everyday that I will never speak to again. The truth is, I can't care anymore, it hurts me and it's too tiring. So I'm used to it.

Things that I always say to myself

Be patient, gentle, and kind. Crying is okay, it means your heart hasn’t hardened and that you are still soft. It’s okay to be emotional, it’s okay to have bad days. it’s okay to lash out, it’s okay to be unkind sometimes. It’s all about how you make up for it. Forgive. Forgive those who wronged you. You don’t have to at first, but work to forgive and if you can’t forgive the person who hurt you, forgive yourself for being hurt. Don’t bleed for anyone who doesn’t bleed for you. Don’t settle for someone who doesn’t sacrifice themselves to see you thrive. Don’t settle for pain when you know you could have happiness. Believe in yourself. Believe in others. Good friends make good character. People are attracted to sunshine, people are attracted to a happy you. (The sad you is still beautiful, your sunshine pulls people in) and love. Love endlessly. Love even when you think you really can’t anymore because I promise, you will never run out of love.

Thoughts on soulmates

People always ask me, “do you believe in soulmates?” My answer? I have to. After every person who left after saying they’d stay, after every unanswered text and sleepless night, I have to believe that all of that was leading up to something better. I have to believe that I’m supposed to wait for the person who’s been waiting for me too. So yes, I believe in soulmates. I believe that there’s someone that will make me realize why it never worked with anyone else.

Another year is about to pass

2015 has been a year of lessons. I believe that God knows who belongs in my life and who doesn’t. Trust and let go. Whoever is meant to be there, will still be there. It’ll get better but it’ll get worse too next year. I have to be prepared for both. 2016 would probably be a selfish year. My time will be invested on me. On improving myself. I want to become a better person physically and mentally.

We become so comfortable hiding behind our masks, that when the time comes to take it off, we are lost wondering who we truly are.

Sad people are blessed. There is something beautiful about them. The sadness they live through melt their souls, mould into new & amazing characters that touch other hearts and souls. Only sadness can do this to a person. Only true sadness can open the heart up and cry truths the tongue cannot speak. It takes one sad person to move the world. It takes one broken heart to find something new inside of themselves. It takes hurt, pain and loss to find strength and courage, deep down.

8 years and still counting

Everyone has their own definition of a best friend. But the universal meaning applies to majority of the friendships out there. Whether a male or a female, your best friend should be the human you have the most fun with. The one you trust your secrets with & pour out all your problems to, the shoulder to cry on. The one you grow up with by your side & easily connect with. The one that can make you laugh when you're feeling down. The one that understands your decisions even when you seem unreasonable. The one that can't stay mad at you for more than 5 minutes. The one that would drop anything for you in order to help you from a sticky situation. The one that you can be yourself with & all of that applies regardless of how much you spend time with your best friend. Numerous people have more than 1 best friend & then there are those who only have that 1. But either or, they are family & being best friends is not a label or title. It is meaningful and should not be taking granted of, because true friendships are hard to find & hold. That is why if your best friend has other best friends, you shouldn't worry or be jealous when they're not spending time with you. Don't become upset because you believe that "they don't make time for you". I've gone through this scenario multiple times & trust me, distance does not mean that your relationship with your best friend is falling apart. Because whether you spend the night at their house for a week straight or don't see them for a month, the memories & love you carry for the other person does not change your relationship. Do not give up on someone after months or years of being their "best friend". Do not get angry with them. Do not forget about them. Do not ignore them. Because a best friend wouldn't do that. After all, I would know that my friendship with my best friends never changes even after reuniting. Cherish that special friend. Cherish life. Be thankful.

Thank you for the incredible 8 years. We weren't always together, we didn't even meet everyday but I know that we'd always be there for each other.

Struggling with the past

Sometimes the past bites you inside because you sit there and only think back to the past. The past consists either memories or bad times that you'll never forget. When you let the past get to you so hard, you can't enjoy now or get your future planned and ready. You miss the old memories, or you miss the people that was in your life back then but look at what you have now. You can battle through the hard times of over thinking or feeling the sadness inside because of the past. It's ok to be sad about the past, but it's more than ok to be happy and to live the life you have now. The past will either have really happy or sad times. It's so much better to think of the future and what kind of future you will have. This will show that you will be happy about now and the future. The future will make you prepare for the new world that you will live in. 

Do you ever feel so strange in the city where you were born? Cause I do. I've spent more than a decade of my life in Samarinda City, Indonesia but I feel like I don't recognise it well enough, I really don't know much about it. Almost nothing. I just realised it when I was on my way home riding a motorcycle from uni at night. I can feel the atmosphere is very different to the ones in Melbourne City, Australia. Even though I've only live in Aussie for about 4 years, I feel way more engaging to Melbourne. I never feel scared to be out at night. Wether when I'm traveling on a tram, train or even walking. Never. I could see polices there are really doing their job creating more peace on the street. I guess when I feel unsafe & uncomfortable to my surroundings, that's when I feel disconnected the most.

My definition of love.

I guess I imagine love like being with someone that you can be completely comfortable with. A person that just thinking about them makes your stomach fill with butterflies. Someone that you care for so much that you know that you would do whatever it took for them to be with you forever. Someone that you think is so absolutely perfect, despite their flaws, that you just look at them and think “How did I get so lucky?” Someone that you could sit there and just talk about all of the crazy things that are always on your mind that you’re too afraid to say out loud, because you don’t want to get judged. When your lips touch, no matter if it’s just a peck or if it’s a long kiss, you feel like you’re being lifted off the ground. Someone that you can see yourself in the future with. Someone that even if the whole world disappeared, and it was only the two of you left, you wouldn't care because being with that one person is all you ever need.

Love is to always be able to accept their flaws, be able to sacrifice yourself, be able to do anything for them, be honest, and be able to love them infinitely. Love has no distance. It cannot be seen or touched, but it is felt

"Let it go with the air"

You can’t seem to do anything for him to change his mind, but to sulk yourself to loneliness since he’d been gone. You struggle with keeping the thoughts of him out of your system, thinking if you could just reverse time and make necessary corrections. Deranged flashbacks began filling your head together with a handful of emotions- happiness, loneliness, passion, excitement and longing, but usually then ending is that of a sad love story. It’s stupid finding yourself still trapped with the ghosts from your past. You can’t seem to control them, as if they were hindering you to go forward. Don’t let yourself feel remorseful or regretful. “Let it go with the air.” Bury the past behind you, live your present and look forward to what lies in the future. 

The more you care, the more it hurts.

Caring about someone can be the most painful experience you’ve ever felt. They stay on your mind every second, they’re all you think about, you stress yourself finding ways to make them happy because you put their feelings first. You let every little word or action affect you deeply. Giving up and letting go seems so much easier, but you’re not capable of it because you care too much. If you don’t leave now, it’s just going to hurt even more in the future.

Isn't it weird to think there’s so much pressure on you to get into a good school and be good looking and make lots of money and get married and have kids when eventually you’re just going to die and be left in the ground in darkness forever while worms eat your skin and nothing you did even mattered at all.